Supporting Others Through Hardships; Lessons Learned | Louisville and Southern Indiana Lifestyle Photographer
Over the past couple of years I’ve personally learned what it means to lean on others. When you walk through difficult times you learn lessons you never would have learned any other way and you become more sensitive and aware of the pain and needs of others. You see everything differently, and because of that you can’t help but start to live differently. Learning how to support others that are going through a challenging or painful season is something I’ve become very passionate about, mainly because so many have supported and loved my family so well over the past two years and it has meant the world to us. There are so many things on my heart that I’d love to share about the insight we’re gaining and how God has worked through this journey, but today (with my mom’s permission and encouragement) I wanted to share a few things we’ve learned that could hopefully be helpful for you and others.
Before beginning, I want to be very respectful of anyone and their families that is or has walked through the difficult and painful road of cancer or other hardships. I know that many people’s journeys played out differently and may not have been given more time with their loved one, and I am so very sorry. If I could hug you right now, I would. My thoughts and prayers are with anyone that’s had to fight such terrible diseases or circumstances.
My mother was diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer in 2018, almost two years ago now. She is my best friend and has always been the constant in my life. The road she has had to walk is one that no-one should ever have to endure, yet she’s done it with such strength, courage, and determination.
My mother has always been my greatest teacher. Oftentimes as parents we will use our words to teach our children, but my mother was (and is) especially skilled at teaching by her example and through listening. When she does use her words to teach or impart wisdom she does it with gentleness and thoughtfulness. Needless to say, when she opens up to talk more about important and serious life topics or issues, I listen!
A simple yet powerful lesson.
Oftentimes the greatest lessons we learn is when we’re going through the hardest seasons of life. Your eyes are more open and you’re more in tune with what truly matters. Not long ago, my mother and I were talking with two sweet friends having to deal with the same terrible disease, and my mom briefly stated a comment that I haven’t been able to shake. My mom simply said, “You would be surprised - when you are going through hard times in life it’s often the people that you would least expect that step forward to offer help, and sadly the ones you thought would step up that sometimes stay in the shadows.”
My mom shared a story about a day when she went on an ordinary trip to the store. As you can see from the photos I’ve shared, chemo caused my mother to become frail, lose her hair, and left her with very little energy. It was easy to see she was going through a tough season. As she was making her way from her car to the door of the building there was a burly, bearded, tattoo and piercings covered man that stood at the door while my mom made her way across the parking lot. He patiently waited at the door to hold it open for her as she walked inside. He could easily have assumed that she either didn’t need help or that someone else would do it, but he chose to *slow down* and do it himself. Someone that may intimidate a lot of people at first glance was the first to step up and offer simple kindness. My mom was grateful and convicted that by first glance she would have assumed he’d be someone that would continue on their way, but he was someone unexpected that stepped forward and brightened her day, which in turn made a powerful impact on her.
Don’t ever judge a book by its cover or underestimate the kindness and compassion someone holds inside of them just because they aren’t perfectly polished, put together, or look the same as you do. And never underestimate the act of a small, kind gesture. It may be the encouragement and hope someone needs to get through that day.
The light on a hard day.
These photos were taken about a year and a half ago, and it means so much to me because Annie is wearing the sweet outfits my mom was so adamant on buying her. We didn’t know whether Annie was a girl or boy, but mom was certain I was having a girl and she was set on having some girly outfits waiting for her once we brought her home from the hospital.
Mom and I went to Target a couple of weeks before Annie was born and I’ll never forget it as long as I live. It broke my heart being in a place we’d so care-freely been so many times before, but this time was different. It had only been a few weeks since mom had underwent a complete hysterectomy and debulking surgery to remove as much of her cancer as they could. It was a major surgery with a long and difficult recovery period, and she still had rounds of chemo to tackle ahead. We walked through the clothing section, grabbing size 0 pants and extra small shirts because she had lost so much weight. She had to sit every few minutes because she was so weak and frail. She wasn’t able to stand with me in the checkout line to buy all the clothes she picked out for her granddaughter. She was so exhausted afterwards we had to get right back home so she could rest. I still remember the weight of that trip. To be honest, it was one of the hardest days of my life. It was supposed to be a happy time… Clothes shopping with my best friend for the new baby we were about to welcome into the world, but it wasn’t supposed to be like this. I felt like life was in a downward spiral and we were doing everything we could to keep our heads above water, and meanwhile everyone around me was going on with their happy, ordinary lives. But do you know what I equally remember about that trip? I remember the good, kind people that held the door open for us, offered a smile, offered for us to go ahead of them in line and asked if we needed help out to our car. They were little beams of light during such a scary time.
Thinking back on this, it reminds me that as we walk through our every day lives there will be people you come across that’s going through one of the hardest seasons (or days) of their lives. You may never know it because they put on a happy face, but they’re doing everything they can to get through the day without falling apart. I don’t say this to make anyone feel guilty for not noticing, because it can often be hard to recognize. However, I do feel that if we’re able to slow down, act with compassion and reach out to the hurting when we do notice then we can bring some light and hope to someone that may desperately need it.
If you feel it on your heart to do something kind for someone but second guess yourself or are afraid that it’s not your place, do it anyways. I believe with everything in my heart those stirrings are placed on your heart for a specific purpose, at the exact time someone needs God’s love and hope poured out through you. It’s that simple. You have the opportunity to be light to someone who needs it.
Slow down, notice the needs around you and meet them, if you can. Be the one that surprises people with your kindness and compassion.
Be the one that offers a helping hand. Be the one that offers a smile or word of encouragement. It may simply be holding a door open for someone that you can see needs help, or it could be taking up the trash can for your elderly neighbor. It could be paying it forward, making a meal, running an errand, leaving a kind note, or watching someone’s children. It doesn’t take much to surprise someone for good, it just takes the time to pay attention and see. And when you take the time to do this, I can promise you’ll make an impression on someone’s heart.
The day I took these photos of Annie and my mom I felt like my heart would literally burst with gratitude. She was right (like always) and I had a baby girl that looked so adorable in those girly outfits. And good thing we dressed her up then because she’s so stubborn and hates getting dressed up now!
I can’t close this out without thanking all of those that have prayed and cared for my mom and family over the past year and a half. Your kindness has carried us through some very difficult days and helped us learn how to do the same for others. Mom continues to kick cancer’s butt, manage everything else on her plate, and put her kids and grandkids first and she does it all with a smile on her face. She amazes me daily and I want to be just like her when I grow up. :)
How to support others going through a difficult season.
Let me first say that if YOU are the one going through a challenging season and need support, please don’t hesitate to reach out to someone you love to ask for help. People WANT to help, but sometimes they just aren’t sure how. When you reach out with your specific needs people will be ready to jump right in and will be grateful for your directness. Whether you are the person going through the illness or hardship or you are a family member going through it with a loved one, you need support and deserve to be loved well.
At some point in life we will all know someone going through a difficult season that needs support. There will be times (or may have been times in the past) when you want to do something for someone but just don’t know what to do. I understand, it can be hard to know what to say or what to do to help. Below you will find some simple ways you can offer support, encouragement, and love to someone that may need it. Sometimes the smallest gesture can bring the most comfort. A big thank you to all of those that provided feedback and helped contribute to this list!
If someone is a close friend or family member:
Offer your presence. Simply sit with them, cry with them, and be there if they want to talk. Watch tv, get out of the house, go with them while running errands, go out for a meal, go for walks, bring games over, play with their kids. Sometimes just having someone around can bring so much comfort.
Instead of asking, “What do you need?”, say “I am free all day tomorrow (or whenever) and would like to help out. Can I…” (any of the following):
Go to the grocery store for them
Pick up medicine
Run needed errands
Watch their kids/pick them up & drop them off to school or other activities
Clean their home
Do laundry/fold and put away
Pick up their kids and take them somewhere fun
Go to doctors appointments with them
Take their dogs on a walk
Meals: Instead of asking, “Would you like dinner?”, say “I’m going to bring you some dinner over. Would you like me to make you chicken pot pie, vegetable soup, a lasagna or anything else in particular?” (or whatever your specialities are!) Giving several options takes the thinking out of it and prevents them from saying “Oh, you really don’t have to do that.”
If going through a surgery, make a snack/activity basket for the family while waiting in the waiting room. Include things like snacks (a variety of healthy and not so healthy options - granola bars, apples, bananas, trail mix, pretzels/chips, sweets, gum, mints), magazines, activity books, blanket, water bottles — This was SO helpful to my family when my mom went through her surgery. It helps pass the time and keeps your belly full!
If going through chemo or other type of treatment, make a care basket full of comfort items. Include things like blanket, sleep mask (to help relax and sleep during treatment), chapstick, lotion, bath salts and soaps, essential oils, magazines, journal and pen, activity books (like crosswords), slippers, scarves, a nice water bottle, gum, mints, and other snacks.
Share your favorite memories of their lost loved one, if they are open to talking about them. This helps bring comfort by remembering all the happy, funny, and special memories of them and is also heartwarming to know how their loved one had an impact on others as well.
(Plus you can do the ideas found below as well!)
If someone is an acquaintance or friend (but not super close):
Drop off dinner, frozen meals that can be put into the crockpot, or carry out from somewhere convenient and close-by (I say drop off because sometimes the person or family may not be up for company or wanting to talk. You can ask them, “Would you like me to knock on your door when I get there or drop it off on your front porch?” They will let you know what they feel comfortable with at the time. Don’t let your feelings get hurt if they aren’t up for visitors, it has nothing to do with you!)
Drop off or mail gift cards to grocery stores, restaurants, or places like Meijer, Target, or Walmart for necessities
Drop off or mail gift cards for their family or children to go do fun activities
Send a “thinking of you” or “praying for you” text or card
Ask how you can specifically be praying for them (what are their specific needs or worries?)
If you ever see anyone that may be in need (like a stranger in public, for example):
Open doors, offer to let them go in front of you in line, offer to carry things to their car or wherever they’re going, pay for their meal, offer a smile or word of encouragement. You know - kindhearted, common sense things!
I know there are many more great ideas out there! If you have other helpful support measures please comment them below and I’d love to add them to the list.
Thank you so much for reading. If you’ve found this to be helpful, please feel free to share with others.
<3 Kelly