Our Lives, Unscripted | A Letter to My Son
When I was pregnant, every month or so I would sit down and write my baby a letter. I didn’t know at the time if I was writing the letter to my son or daughter, but that didn’t matter. I wanted my baby to know that even before he or she was here, we were thinking about and loving him or her already more than imaginable.
In those letters to my unborn baby I shared all the important information I thought he or she should know, like how his or her daddy cried when I told him I was pregnant, how our parents were the most excited I’ve ever seen them be when we told them about their grandbaby, and about all the dreams and wishes we had for our sweet child once here living in this world... Those letters are now tucked into a journal, waiting to be given to our baby boy one day.
Since having Blaine, life has been busy. I haven’t added any more letters to his journal. To be honest, I barely have enough time to check my emails, let alone sit down and write a letter. But, since this is my first Mother’s Day, I thought it was the perfect time to make the time to write my baby boy another letter. I’m sharing this because I hope other new mothers can relate and feel comfort in knowing that they aren’t the only ones walking through this amazing, challenging, joyful, crazy season of life called motherhood. I know sometimes it can feel like you’re all alone, but you’re not. And to those women whose hearts ache today, for any reason, I am thinking of you and sending love your way. I’m learning that God’s plans for mothers look quite different from one woman to the next, and I pray that if you are in a season of difficulty that you continue to trust and have faith that God’s plan is greater than any you could imagine for yourself. So keep going. His ways are greater than our own, and His ways are always good.
Hello, sweet boy. It’s been a while since I’ve sat down and written you a letter. You’ve kept me very busy these past few months! You are almost four months old. How is that possible? I feel like it was last week when I was thinking you would never be here. You kept me waiting two weeks past your due date, and while it was the slowest days of my life, I’ll tell you that it was well worth the wait.
You arrived so full of life and so alert, like it was just as difficult for you to wait that long to meet us as it was for us. When you were born, they had to take you straight to the nursery. Those were some of the hardest hours of my life, not being able to hold you and whisper to you how much I loved you. But, when you were finally placed in my arms, you looked straight at me with your eyes wide open. You held my gaze and wouldn’t look away as I told you how perfect you were. You knew me. You knew my voice. You knew I was your mother. That moment will forever stand still in my mind and in my heart. That was the moment that changed me, forever.
That was the day you made me a mother. January 15, 2016 at 1:46 pm. - the best day of my life. I’ve had nearly four months to soak in this thing called motherhood. There’s been a lot of tears, a lot of questions, a lot of doubts, and a whole lot of sleep lost. But there’s been so much joy and happiness. I can’t imagine my life without you, and to be honest that scares me a little bit. To know that I am responsible for something so precious (you!) is a little bit overwhelming. It has had me thinking a lot about the mother I want to be, and the mother that you’ll remember one day. Today, on Mother’s Day, I’m especially emotional as I think about you and what you are teaching me, and what I hope to teach you as we venture through this life together.
You’re teaching me to be selfless as I put your every need before my own, hour by hour, day by day and week by week. You’re teaching me patience through each and every struggle, knowing that each rough stage that we go through will soon pass and rather than being bitter and frustrated I need to cherish every up and down with you. You’re teaching me to be humble. Not the kind of humble that comes when you’ve done something good but you don’t boast about it. You’re teaching me the kind of humble that comes when you realize you have a lot of questions but not a lot of answers. The humbleness that comes when you have no idea what you’re doing and you are okay with admitting it. So rather than acting like I’ve got it together, I instead turn to God and ask Him for his daily guidance and to show me the way to be the best mother to you I can be. You’re teaching me about my own self-worth. I’ve spent my entire life living with self-doubt, and since having you I have to admit I doubt and question things a lot. But, I’ve also never been so sure of the woman God created me to be. Sure, I’ve still got some baby weight on me, I’m pale, have dark circles under my eyes daily, and often laugh at the mess I see when I look in the mirror in the morning. But, I realize now why God created me, and it was to be your mommy. The only way He would ever give me a gift as great and perfect as you would be to make sure He equipped me with all I need to do the job well. How honored I am to have been given this job. And if God knows that I have what it takes to love and protect you your whole life, then there’s no way I can doubt who I am and how God made me.
You’re teaching me to enjoy the small moments, and in turn to be small myself. To live day by day, not knowing for sure what the future holds and being okay with that. When I embrace my own smallness in this world, it allows me to better focus on the blessings right in front of me. It helps me see that each moment, no matter how ordinary or mundane it may seem, is a gift and a blessing. I don’t need to be well known, successful or be rich with material things because I have you, and this life our family is building is greater than anything I could ever wish for.
Above everything, you’re teaching me more and more about love everyday. You’re teaching me what it means to truly love unconditionally. I have a greater love for your dad as I watch him with you, a greater love for family and the time we get to share with them, and a greater love for life in general. As I watch you grow, I’m realizing how fast this life is going to pass by. So I’m learning to love more deeply and to not take one day for granted. I know the greatest gift I can give to you in this life is a happy, loving mother, so that is my main goal and desire in life. You can trust that I’ll spend my entire life giving you the love you deserve, and while I will mess up and get it wrong many times, I’ll always strive to be the best version of myself for you.
My sweet boy, there are so many things I want to teach you. Your dad and I have talked about this many times. Rather than listing the many things we want you to learn from us, today I just want to share what’s on my heart.
This world can be a scary place. There can be a lot of hate, judgment, greed, and heartache. It worries me that you will grow up in a world like this. But, in my heart I know that you will shine here on this Earth. My main wish as a mother is to teach you how to be a good person… How to be kind, patient, loving, and compassionate towards others, even if they are different than you. I wish that you will see with eyes like Jesus, not with eyes of this world. I wish that you will walk down the path that He lays out for you, rather than the path that the world tells you you should walk down. This world will try to tell you how to think, behave, look, and believe. My wish is that you won’t listen, but rather follow your heart.
How can I teach you to do these things? I’m not entirely sure. I hope and pray that God gives me the wisdom and ability to teach you these things through my own example. As I try to mold my heart and mind to be more like Jesus, I hope that you can watch me and learn to do the same. I want to show you what it looks like to be patient, kind, and compassionate towards everyone. I want you to know what it looks like to forgive, to love the unlovable and to help those in need. After all, you will be the one that carries on these lessons and values that your dad and I instill in you, through grace, into the future. I pray that we can do this well. I pray that you are a light in this dark world, and that you put a smile on others faces, especially those that need it.
I hope you know what a light you are in my life, little boy. Through the long days and the longer nights, through the tears, the struggles, and the doubt, I take a deep breath in and keep going. You are so worth it. The joy that you have brought into my life far outweighs the difficult days, and always will.
Thank you for making me a mommy, my William Blaine. I know how very blessed I am that God gave me to you, and I won’t take this gift for granted. My heart has never been so full, and it’s all because of you.